What I really think…

So this year I started a coaching mentorship program through ANB. This been awesome for me to do.  I have really enjoyed my time spent working with the three amazing ladies.  They have taught me so much and far more than what I have taught them.  But we are currently on our last phase in regards to seasonal reviews and planning for the future.  What started out as a little insight for them has turned into something that I have to put here.  Now, don’t get me wrong this is supposed to be positive. It is helping me fuel the fire and work out some frustration.  I am far more happy than angry and far more proud than disappointed. But I let the fingers go to work and this is what they have came up with and I think it works. I apologize for the grammar.

 

The end of the year is always tough but always something that I look forward to. I look forward to it because usually I am tired and need a break. I need a mental break from pushing. I need some time off. It is always tough though no matter how good it is. It is tough because I always fail. I always know that I failed the athletes. I always see the weaknesses when it is too late. I see the things that were undeveloped. I see where I failed to prepare them. I couldn’t see them earlier. I was blind. But when it is too late the become so clear. Sometimes you still get success. You might get a record, a medal, a personal best but I can always see more. I can see better.

I can see things that would have resulted in a greater success. Maybe I am being too hard on myself but I don’t think so. I can be happy. I can be pleased. I can be pumped. But when it is all said and done I know that perfection and no matter how good the results were that they can be better. So how bout this year for me. 5th place at National Juniors, 6th, 8th, 8th place at National Legions, 2 provincial records, #1 in NB in 37 events or something, and maybe a hundred personal bests. But here is what I do know it is my first year of coaching where one of the athletes that I work with didn’t medal at a major outdoor national championships. The first year where I was more pissed then happy. Not with the athletes but with myself. I love my gang and while they might irritate me and cause me stress I care about them more than they will ever know and I feel as though I failed them. I feel as though I let them down. I failed to see the problems until it was too late. I failed to prepare them to reach the podium.

I am constantly reminded that I am doing a good job, putting in so much time, and that I can’t compete for the athletes. I know this but at the same time I still feel the way I feel. The feeling will fade. It will subside and be replaced with fire, passion, and burning desire to improve and strive for even more success. I believe in myself as a coach. I believe that I do know what I am doing but that my skill set isn’t anywhere near completion. It is impossible to put a number on it. I read, I study, I listen, I watch all the time and yet I feel as though I am still only scraping the surface of what I need to know. I know that this will never change. I know that I can not know everything because there is too much to know. I know that knowledge is one thing but wisdom is another. I know that I am still so young in this coaching game but that doesn’t change the fact that the athletes that I work with trust me to put forward a plan that will help them achieve their goals and right now I can’t help but think that I failed them. But this same feeling of failure is what is getting me to write this, what is getting me to review last years plan, this years plan, and next years plan. It is the feeling that gets me to read another book, so listen to another podcast, do go to another conference, to not go home and see my niece and nephew, to drive myself crazy but would I change it. No! I love what I do. I love that I can do it professionally and make my living this way. I love that my job is important but at the same time I get to laugh with those that I work with more than we cry. I love this feeling right now because I know that this is helping my battery recharge and when we get going in a few weeks I will be more ready to go then my athletes. I know that I will be ready to push them (and myself) for another year. I know that I will be ready to #riseandgrind.

So I am now back at it. Listing the strengths, the weakness, the wins, the losses, the details, the dates, the thoughts, the ideas and will put it all down. I will review and refine. I will drive myself even more crazy but I won’t stop. I won’t back off. I won’t stop thinking and trying to be the best coach that I can be. I will be the best that I can be tomorrow but I know that I will still be an idiot and failure when I look back next year but hopefully I have a few more smiles and tears of joy then tears of failure and frustration.